It's hard to grow...standing in sunlight yet feeling the dark
It's hard to grow...not feeling like you can be yourself...because you don' know who that is
It's hard to grow...untethered, neither here nor there
It's hard to grow...against the grain of your soul
It's hard to grow....feeling silenced
It's hard to grow...carrying archaic oppressive laws that hold my identity hostage
It's hard to grow...carrying the shame of a system, of a man, of a woman, of an era
It's hard to grow...being shushed by society to be quiet and by all means if you want to talk about adoption, do so only in hushed tones because it makes people "uncomfortable"
Why I felt I had so much to offer to the world, bursting at the seams, but held back...god forbid, I stand out, make my way loudly...gasp...that would be perceived as ungrateful
for fear of alienating my parents
for fear of being disloyal
for fear of being abandoned
for fear of being returned
for fear of I-don't-know-what...I was young and did not have the therapeutic tools to decipher ME from the mess
I no longer feel this way now...it's been a long road of discovery, a road constantly under construction full of traffic, gridlock, pit stops, natural disasters and weather delays to get to where I am today. To feel the feelings, acknowledge them, embrace them and ultimately to stop these negative contradictory feelings from bubbling up to the surface and taking control...not that they stop altogether but to now know they are there and to make peace with them. To carry them as a badge of going through the fire. I've earned that patch on my girl scout lapel...I became my own Macguvyer of adoption...a little duct tape, some bubblegum, an ocean full of tears, talking, thinking, many hard days and I slowly put my own puzzle together so I could finally just be "me". Those feelings still creep in but not as much these days...it's innate and cannot be undone, but they can be conquered and shaped...the trick is how you choose for it to shape you. I don't want to be a victim. I want to strive to carry mine in the shape of the heart, because it is the only shape that works for me. I no longer want to carry the anger, the shame, the secrecy...it's not mine..I don't deserve it. I now only want to carry love. I only want to recognize and embrace the knowledge that a dandelion grows from the toughest of situations into the biggest wish one can create for one's own self...to live fully...to sidestep the noise...to carry what is only mine to carry. To be free.
To survive and thrive
in spite of it all...
and that is my biggest of all dandelion wishes
for myself...for you...for all of us.