Yes you

Accept and grow

When I try to guess

“Knot the tie and go to work, unknot the tie and go to sleep. I sleep. I dream. I wake. I sing. I get out the hammer and start knocking in the wooden pegs that affix the meaning to the landscape, the inner life to the body, the names to the things. I float too much to wander, like you, in the real world. I envy it but that’s the dealio - you’re a train and I’m a train station and when I try to guess your trajectory
I end up telling my own story.”
~ Richard Siken

"Train Track" photograph by the very talented artist Samantha Jones

and can be yours here!

More one than two

“Build me up and I with you. For we are more one than two.”

~ Deborah Day 

 

Close-Up of Two Dandelions by artist, Darlyne A. Murawski,

Arlington, Massachusetts, USA can be yours here

Waking wish

"Often beauty is disguised by appearance just as music can be by sound,

the dreaming wish by the waking wish
until there's this terrible stress because a thing must finally reveal itself, break itself.
Leaning shadow, cinder heart, shouts."

~ Dean Young, First Course In Turbulence

 

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Press play

“You can't stop the future
 You can't rewind the past
 The only way to learn the secret
 ...is to press play.”

~  Jay Asher

Dandelion collage by the very talented artist Jordan Tierney

Please visit her fine art site www.jordantierney.com

and her visually stunning blog www.signpostsinthesea.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!

xo Two

Everybody

Book review: The Girl Who Chased The Moon

“Living down your own past was hard enough. You shouldn't have to live down someone else's.”

~Sarah Addison Allen, The Girl Who Chased the Moon

 

It's not often I find a book that draws me in and won't let me put it down.  The Girl Who Chased The Moon by the lovely and talented writer, Sarah Addison Allen, did just that!  I read this book over the course of a weekend.  I could not put it down.  I tried not to devour this book with my fast-paced reading.  It was one of those books that I kept trying to read slower so it wouldn't end.  This book isn't serious or heavy, it's light-hearted and enchanting, like a dandelion-filled breezy afternoon laying in the hammock, cold beverage by your side (which I highly recommend you do while reading this book!) or a breezy afternoon spent seaside under an umbrella, waves softly singing their lullaby, cold beverage by your side (either scenario will do!).  I needed a break from all the heavy-handed serious books I've been reading lately and stumbled across this book (the cover drew me in...enchanting!)  I would swear there was a dandelion breeze in the bookstore that day directing me to her book, so I decided to give it a whirl.  It was one of those lightning rod books about adoption, only I didn't know it when I bought it.  I got a first few pages in and SURPRISE! there's an adoption story line.  I hesitated, not wanting to get into an "adoption story", I wanted a break, but something told me to keep reading, set aside all of my "adoption stuff", to just enjoy the ride and hope for the best...I'm so glad I did.  It's not heavy or in your face, but subtle as it weaves itself throughout the story.  It's a fairy tale for all of us that leaves you wanting more...a sequel.  As I read the last page, it was all I could do not to pick up the phone and call Sarah and ask her if she was writing one.  Seems I am not the only one who felt this way as it is a question in her FAQ's on her website, where she replies "I'll never say never!".  I hope she does revisit this story line, but then again, there's also a part of me that thinks it's perfect just the way it is, just the way it ended...where we all have stood before.  I don't want to give away too much of the ending, but I will say it made me smile and made my heart skip a beat.

 

For anyone who wants to believe in a little magic and escape into a good book, I highly recommend this book, as well as her other books, The Peach Keeper, Garden Spells and The Sugar Queen.  I have now read all of her books.  Truth be told, I ran out the next day and bought ALL of them (and also copies for friends) because I loved her writing style so much and the way she created quirky characters, towns, moods all with a little bit of magic!  Who doesn't love a little magic?  Life is expensive and believing is free.  I have enjoyed all of them, but for obvious reasons, this was my favorite.

 

I always like to check out authors websites that I admire and see if there is a book signing or an event near me where I can meet and greet, give praise where praise is due. It's not often a book strikes me to that extent, so when it does, I seek out the author for more information, to try and get a glimpse of who the person is behind the writer and to see how they write their wonderful tales.  When I went to Sarah's website, it linked to her facebook page, where I discovered at the time, she was fighting breast cancer and her current book tour for her latest book, The Peachkeeper, had to be postponed while she had rounds of chemo and recuperated.  I'm happy to say from reading her posts it looks like she is well on her way to recovery and is fighting it with grace and tenacity.  She has a wonderful spirit and I'm cheering her on from afar and wishing her a very, very long life full of many more wonderful books!

 

The below is from Goodreads about The Girl Who Chased The Moon.

Enjoy!

xo Two

From Goodreads:
In her latest enchanting novel, New York Times bestselling author Sarah Addison Allen invites you to a quirky little Southern town with more magic than a full Carolina moon. Here two very different women discover how to find their place in the world—no matter how out of place they feel.

Emily Benedict came to Mullaby, North Carolina, hoping to solve at least some of the riddles surrounding her mother’s life. Such as, why did Dulcie Shelby leave her hometown so suddenly? And why did she vow never to return? But the moment Emily enters the house where her mother grew up and meets the grandfather she never knew—a reclusive, real-life gentle giant—she realizes that mysteries aren’t solved in Mullaby, they’re a way of life: Here are rooms where the wallpaper changes to suit your mood. Unexplained lights skip across the yard at midnight. And a neighbor bakes hope in the form of cakes.

Everyone in Mullaby adores Julia Winterson’s cakes—which is a good thing, because Julia can’t seem to stop baking them. She offers them to satisfy the town’s sweet tooth but also in the hope of rekindling the love she fears might be lost forever. Flour, eggs, milk, and sugar...Baking is the only language the proud but vulnerable Julia has to communicate what is truly in her heart. But is it enough to call back to her those she’s hurt in the past?

Can a hummingbird cake really bring back a lost love? Is there really a ghost dancing in Emily’s backyard? The answers are never what you expect. But in this town of lovable misfits, the unexpected fits right in.

Image courtesy of the author

To not let the spark die

“I’ve told you the four thunderstorms – disappointment, frustration, unfairness and isolation. You cannot avoid them, as like the monsoon they will come into your life at regular intervals. You just need to keep the raincoat handy to not let the spark die”

~Chetan Bhagat

Photograph by the awesome Brooke Mercedes

Take great care

“But, first, remember, remember, remember the signs. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night. And whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs. And secondly, I give you a warning. Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters.”

~ C.S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia

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Just as long as you are

Don't you know that you are a shooting star...

don't you know?... don't you know?
Don't you know that you are a shooting star
And all the world will love you
Just as long...

as long as you are.

~Bad Company

Dandelion seed star pendant by Etsy artist XercesArt can be yours here

Don't you just love when a beautiful message in a funky old song gets stuck in your head?

Yeah...me too.

xo Two

In spite of it all

Growing up I suffered in silence...without even realizing it until adulthood...thinking back on it now I was on a perpetual slow simmer...so many quiet internal years and not being able to pinpoint exactly why I felt that way.  Not having a tribe, daring not to speak about being adopted.  I had a decent upbringing...a nuclear family (that looked like a quilt more than a rooted family tree, but a nuclear family nonetheless complete with sunshine, popsicles, camping and bandaids...idyllic really).  I didn't understand why I didn't feel "grateful" or why I didn't feel "lucky" about being adopted...I heard this over and over growing up...it is the outside world's normal reaction when you say you are adopted...why that went against my nature of being young, carefree and adventurous ...almost like I was fighting myself internally...my head and my heart slowly, quietly waging a battle against each other...what I was really feeling deep down versus what I inherently "thought" I should be feeling.  Why I always felt a little bit different than others....a little left of center...why the longing...why the unresolved and unidentified feelings, above and beyond the normal teenage angst.  Why I felt like an outcast.  Who the hell did I think I was? (exactly....)

I've been called ungrateful for the simple fact of wanting to know where I came from...wanting to know the circumstances around which I was created, born and came into this world, wanting to know my history, wanting my own original birth certificate.  Can you imagine what that feels like....to be called ungrateful for your own life and for just being born when inside you knew you had a heart full of gratitude...but this was a different kind of gratitude...one with strings and contingencies and oppressive archaic laws.  A heavy backpack for a newborn to carry, no?  I've been called disloyal and that I should just sit quietly and not "rock the boat" (even though to clarify..it's MY boat).  This discourse from some who loudly spoke their opinions to me (unsolicited, I might add...).  Can you imagine?  Can you imagine being born with an innate sense of being in debt...feeling like you owe the world for your life...must play part...must not veer from society's script.  Being is completely different than being adopted...everyone is born being, but not everyone is born being adopted.  It's a burden and a gift.  Adoption is a lifelong give and take, win and lose, love and sadness, lost and found, rinse and repeat.

It's hard to grow...standing in sunlight yet feeling the dark
It's hard to grow...not feeling like you can be yourself...because you don' know who that is
It's hard to grow...untethered, neither here nor there
It's hard to grow...against the grain of your soul
It's hard to grow....feeling silenced
It's hard to grow...carrying archaic oppressive laws that hold my identity hostage
It's hard to grow...carrying the shame of a system, of a man, of a woman, of an era
It's hard to grow...being shushed by society to be quiet and by all means if you want to talk about adoption, do so only in hushed tones because it makes people "uncomfortable"

Why I felt I had so much to offer to the world, bursting at the seams, but held back...god forbid, I stand out, make my way loudly...gasp...that would be perceived as ungrateful
for fear of alienating my parents
for fear of being disloyal
for fear of being abandoned
for fear of being returned
for fear of I-don't-know-what...I was young and did not have the therapeutic tools to decipher ME from the mess

I no longer feel this way now...it's been a long road of discovery, a road constantly under construction full of traffic, gridlock, pit stops, natural disasters and weather delays to get to where I am today.  To feel the feelings, acknowledge them, embrace them and ultimately to stop these negative contradictory feelings from bubbling up to the surface and taking control...not that they stop altogether but to now know they are there and to make peace with them.  To carry them as a badge of going through the fire.  I've earned that patch on my girl scout lapel...I became my own Macguvyer of adoption...a little duct tape, some bubblegum, an ocean full of tears, talking, thinking, many hard days and I slowly put my own puzzle together so I could finally just be "me".  Those feelings still creep in but not as much these days...it's innate and cannot be undone, but they can be conquered and shaped...the trick is how you choose for it to shape you.  I don't want to be a victim.  I want to strive to carry mine in the shape of the heart, because it is the only shape that works for me.  I no longer want to carry the anger, the shame, the secrecy...it's not mine..I don't deserve it.  I now only want to carry love.  I only want to recognize and embrace the knowledge that a dandelion grows from the toughest of situations into the biggest wish one can create for one's own self...to live fully...to sidestep the noise...to carry what is only mine to carry.  To be free.

To survive and thrive
in spite of it all...
and that is my biggest of all dandelion wishes
for myself...for you...for all of us.
xo Two

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Beautiful stuff

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled.

The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out. ”

~Ray Bradbury

Source

On its hint

"A truly good book teaches me better than to read it. I must soon lay it down, and commence living on its hint. What I began by reading, I must finish by acting."

~Henry David Thoreau

Photo by the amazingly talented Vanessa (Musicaldoodle on Flickr)!
To see more her beautiful work, please visit her here.

Like a dark bird

“But now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird.”

~Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

Clink!

“Set wide the window. Let me drink the day.”

~Edith Wharton

Image and recipe source

Dandelion Mojito

Serves 2

To make dandelion syrup, simply put 1 cup sugar and 1 1/2 cups water in a pot and bring it to a simmer. Then add a few very large handfuls of dandelion greens, push them under the liquid, turn off the heat and let it simmer for half an hour.

1-2 T Dandelion Syrup

Juice from 1 lime

1 jigger of golden rum

large splash of club soda

Garnish with dandelion

A rainy day, lost luggage & tangled Christmas tree lights

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and

 it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

~Maya Angelou

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In search of gifts

The one question I get asked the most is "Knowing what you know now, would you do it all over again?"  Meaning if I knew the outcomes....a difficult & strained reunion and the awful discoveries I have had to come to grips with...would I do it all over again or change anything?  I think that when they ask after hearing my story, they are assuming my answer would be an emphatic NO!....but in truth, my answer is actually YES!

While I'm not happy with the sequencing of events, or how it all played out and how there were so many forces working against a successful reunion (my own unprepared force included there) or the lies I have had to extract the truth from, I do not regret any of it.  I wish I had been prepared for the avalanche, found support much earlier rather than beyond the halfway point, but everything happens for a reason.  It has taken me a long time to discover the reasons.

I say yes, because in spite of everything, I am much more grounded now, more whole less half.  I have a strong sense of self that I never knew before.  I truly do believe there is something to the "not knowing" that will quietly peck away at your inner self, inner core...a dull ache, a dull longing in the back of your heart, a void....a question mark in your life's narrative.

Does reunion solve anything or fix anything?  Err...no...it actually can bring up issues you never even knew you had or were lurking under the surface that bubble up that you'll need to deal with...but what it does do is ground your feet to the earth...no longer untethered, floating betwixt & between, neither here nor there...for me, it was like I had finally been given a license to live, to grow, to become better, to improve, to move on, to close the gap, to fill the void, to close the circle, come full circle, get unstuck...to become who I am supposed to be. It's given me a voice...my voice.

I wouldn't take any of it back (well, except for some of the links in the chain of events...and possibly remove some extraneous characters that did more damage than good...those I would do differently, but I do not regret).  I may wish to rearrange how the events happened, but not that they happened.  I was myself, in all my screwed up glory...I was honest to myself...and in the end that is all the really matters.  I can't say enough about finding your self and finding your tribe of adoption support.  Even though I may not have found the perfect reunion, what I did find was extraordinary.  Meaning that what I found along the way was an amazing family of like-minded people.  They get me to my core and allow me to just be me. Although the universe may not have given me the perfect "love, light & rainbow filled" reunion, I believe in return I was rewarded with several other precious gifts instead.  When you find what I found, you have to "mine the gifts" and find your own light from within.

What it gave me in return was my lost sense of self and a tribe...an amazing circle of friends.  Full of unconditional love & support that I never knew could exist.  To be honest, I don't know how I ever lived with out them.  They get me to my core and for that I will be forever grateful.  They help me laugh when things get rough, they are mirrors for when my reflection gets blurry.  They allow me to be "me" in all my messiness.  They ride both the bus and the limo.  There is a shorthand between us, we don't have to explain ourselves at length, we speak the same language that most will never understand.  We understand even with the most subtle look or a slight shift in tone of voice and even through subtle body language.  I am in awe of my circle, we feed off each other in inspiring ways...we push each other to get unstuck and hand over the tissues and crack the jokes to lighten the mood during the rough times.  They are priceless and I can't say enough about them and how lucky I feel to have stumbled upon them.  I really can't stress enough how important support is during search & reunion...how finding like-minded people can be a life raft during the emotional rocky seas of search & reunion.

If you are contemplating searching, my humble advice (or "hindsight is 20/20" in my case) would be to seriously consider the following "top ten" before you begin to search:

(1)  Find support.  There are many organizations and wonderful people who know what you are
dealing with and are ready to help you on your way. (I'm hoping to get a resource page up soon!)

(2)  Read, read, read and then read a little bit more.  (I'm also hoping to get a book list up here too...check back soon!)

(3)  Ask yourself the tough questions...what do you want, what do you expect, how will you handle rejection...how will you handle something like what I encountered...etc.

(4)  Be prepared for any outcome.

(5)  Be gentle with yourself...go at your own pace.

(6)  Find your like-minded tribe.  They will soften the edges and the anxiety.  They know what the path is like and will help you when you stumble.  They can be lifesavers that will make you laugh during the rough times and remind you that you are worth it, that this is your story and that you have a right to it.

(7)  Be open minded.

(8)  Be considerate of others but also keep in mind, you are not responsible for how others react.  You cannot control how everyone else feels.  I spent so much of my time worrying about what everyone else was thinking and feeling that I got lost at times, forgetting about myself and how I was feeling.

(9) Self-care is paramount in search/reunion.

(10)  And always remember to pull the safety bar down tight and keep all hands and feet inside the ride before it comes to a complete stop.

And above all else, mine the gifts...no matter how small...for they are gifts and it's your journey...your history and you have a right to know your roots and be happy, come what may.

Dandelion chocolate image source

Wanted

The first time I ever found anything on my birth father was his name....on a WANTED list.

Sitting alone in a public place, barely breathing, with my heart beating outside of my chest...deer meet headlights...muzak playing...espresso machine hissing....wtf.  Shocked, stunned, silence.  I will never forget that moment, those feelings...the visceral reaction brewing...the internal struggle between head and heart.  It can't be...it just can't be...can it?  Suddenly my life began to move in agonizing slow motion ...AGAIN.   How many times would I have to get on this ride...unknowingly?  THIS is what it's like to be adopted...this is the definition of a closed system...pandora's box personified and sanctioned as "wonderful!".  Such a wonderful web of secrets and lies.  I've come to learn that the truth hurts more when you have to find it yourself, dig for it....alone...and without warning.

Everything I found after that just got worse and worse.  It was almost too much to bear.  I have my fathers eyes...heartwarming to learn this from one of his many inmate records.  I was shattered and unprepared (the irony is that this was all well known, just not to me....I was deemed unworthy of being given the truth before I searched...it was known full well what terrible things I would uncover).

The thought that I was somehow related to (and created by) such darkness unnerved me...unhinged me.  I was crushed by the weight of the truth and that it was purposely withheld from me.  I found myself, yet again, attempting to put the shards of my adoption mosaic back together again...humpty dumpty fell off the wall...humpty dumpty had a great fall...rinse and repeat.  It all could have been avoided..hard truths that could have been delivered with compassion but weren't.

It has taken a very long time to come to terms with the truth.  I'm sure there are a lot more truths that I am still missing.  I can only look for so long, read only so much, find only so many siblings cast aside, without having to put it away and not search anymore...ebb and flow.  The breaks are getting longer and longer and I'm getting stronger and the edges have softened somewhat.  I'm learning how to extricate myself gracefully from the biological chaos I keep uncovering.  I've learned how to separate who I really am from all of that.  That I am not just the sum of parts.

I've learned that its not all nature or nurture, it's a potent mixture of both.  I know now what the true definition of a father is and isn't.  I understand now.  I've been watching home movies lately and there I am, a tiny child with my adoptive father and I now see that a true father doesn't scatter his offsprings into the wind like dandelions.

A true father answers to Dad, a true father holds the hand of his young daughter while she's trying to mimic the older kids on the jungle gym...a true father keeps a close eye on his daughter at the pool, a true father smiles proudly when his daughter learns how to walk and holds out his hands for a running sprint hug, a true father swoops in when her daughter takes a tumble and hugs her close, a true father pushes the swing over and over, a true father tries to make his daughter laugh when the tears begin to fall.  A true father doesn't care that you're not by blood.  A true father cares that you are okay as you journey on your search and cares how you feel about what you uncover.  He is firmly planted come what may and allows you to grow, retreat, return, rinse & repeat...because he's always been there for you and he always will be.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.
I love you,
Two

Indeed

"What a gloomy thing, not to know the address of one's soul."

~Victor Hugo

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