Familiarity

 

“Someday, I would like to go home. The exact location of this place, I don't know, but someday I would like to go. There would be a pleasing feeling of familiarity and a sense of welcome in everything I saw. People would greet me warmly. They would remind me of the length of my absence and the thousands of miles I had travelled in those restless years, but mostly, they would tell me that I had been missed, and that things were better now I had returned. Autumn would come to this place of welcome, this place I would know to be home. Autumn would come and the air would grow cool, dry and magic, as it does that time of the year. At night, I would walk the streets but not feel lonely, for these are the streets of my home town. These are the streets that I had thought about while far away, and now I was back, and all was as it should be. The trees and the falling leaves would welcome me. I would look up at the moon, and remember seeing it in countries all over the world as I had restlessly journeyed for decades, never remembering it looking the same as when viewed from my hometown.”

 

~ Henry Rollins

In search of gifts

The one question I get asked the most is "Knowing what you know now, would you do it all over again?"  Meaning if I knew the outcomes....a difficult & strained reunion and the awful discoveries I have had to come to grips with...would I do it all over again or change anything?  I think that when they ask after hearing my story, they are assuming my answer would be an emphatic NO!....but in truth, my answer is actually YES!

While I'm not happy with the sequencing of events, or how it all played out and how there were so many forces working against a successful reunion (my own unprepared force included there) or the lies I have had to extract the truth from, I do not regret any of it.  I wish I had been prepared for the avalanche, found support much earlier rather than beyond the halfway point, but everything happens for a reason.  It has taken me a long time to discover the reasons.

I say yes, because in spite of everything, I am much more grounded now, more whole less half.  I have a strong sense of self that I never knew before.  I truly do believe there is something to the "not knowing" that will quietly peck away at your inner self, inner core...a dull ache, a dull longing in the back of your heart, a void....a question mark in your life's narrative.

Does reunion solve anything or fix anything?  Err...no...it actually can bring up issues you never even knew you had or were lurking under the surface that bubble up that you'll need to deal with...but what it does do is ground your feet to the earth...no longer untethered, floating betwixt & between, neither here nor there...for me, it was like I had finally been given a license to live, to grow, to become better, to improve, to move on, to close the gap, to fill the void, to close the circle, come full circle, get unstuck...to become who I am supposed to be. It's given me a voice...my voice.

I wouldn't take any of it back (well, except for some of the links in the chain of events...and possibly remove some extraneous characters that did more damage than good...those I would do differently, but I do not regret).  I may wish to rearrange how the events happened, but not that they happened.  I was myself, in all my screwed up glory...I was honest to myself...and in the end that is all the really matters.  I can't say enough about finding your self and finding your tribe of adoption support.  Even though I may not have found the perfect reunion, what I did find was extraordinary.  Meaning that what I found along the way was an amazing family of like-minded people.  They get me to my core and allow me to just be me. Although the universe may not have given me the perfect "love, light & rainbow filled" reunion, I believe in return I was rewarded with several other precious gifts instead.  When you find what I found, you have to "mine the gifts" and find your own light from within.

What it gave me in return was my lost sense of self and a tribe...an amazing circle of friends.  Full of unconditional love & support that I never knew could exist.  To be honest, I don't know how I ever lived with out them.  They get me to my core and for that I will be forever grateful.  They help me laugh when things get rough, they are mirrors for when my reflection gets blurry.  They allow me to be "me" in all my messiness.  They ride both the bus and the limo.  There is a shorthand between us, we don't have to explain ourselves at length, we speak the same language that most will never understand.  We understand even with the most subtle look or a slight shift in tone of voice and even through subtle body language.  I am in awe of my circle, we feed off each other in inspiring ways...we push each other to get unstuck and hand over the tissues and crack the jokes to lighten the mood during the rough times.  They are priceless and I can't say enough about them and how lucky I feel to have stumbled upon them.  I really can't stress enough how important support is during search & reunion...how finding like-minded people can be a life raft during the emotional rocky seas of search & reunion.

If you are contemplating searching, my humble advice (or "hindsight is 20/20" in my case) would be to seriously consider the following "top ten" before you begin to search:

(1)  Find support.  There are many organizations and wonderful people who know what you are
dealing with and are ready to help you on your way. (I'm hoping to get a resource page up soon!)

(2)  Read, read, read and then read a little bit more.  (I'm also hoping to get a book list up here too...check back soon!)

(3)  Ask yourself the tough questions...what do you want, what do you expect, how will you handle rejection...how will you handle something like what I encountered...etc.

(4)  Be prepared for any outcome.

(5)  Be gentle with yourself...go at your own pace.

(6)  Find your like-minded tribe.  They will soften the edges and the anxiety.  They know what the path is like and will help you when you stumble.  They can be lifesavers that will make you laugh during the rough times and remind you that you are worth it, that this is your story and that you have a right to it.

(7)  Be open minded.

(8)  Be considerate of others but also keep in mind, you are not responsible for how others react.  You cannot control how everyone else feels.  I spent so much of my time worrying about what everyone else was thinking and feeling that I got lost at times, forgetting about myself and how I was feeling.

(9) Self-care is paramount in search/reunion.

(10)  And always remember to pull the safety bar down tight and keep all hands and feet inside the ride before it comes to a complete stop.

And above all else, mine the gifts...no matter how small...for they are gifts and it's your journey...your history and you have a right to know your roots and be happy, come what may.

Dandelion chocolate image source

Better to be hurt

“But better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.”

~Khaled Hosseini

Source

Root of the root

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
~e. e. cummings

 Source

There must be

Auntie Em: Help us out today and find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble!

Dorothy: A place where there isn't any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto?

There must be. It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It's far, far away.

Behind the moon, beyond the rain...{begins to sing "Over the Rainbow"}

A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.

~Wizard of Oz

Heart asunder

“The beauty of the world has two edges,

one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.”

~Virginia Woolf

Source

Tragedy begins

“In human intercourse the tragedy begins,

not when there is misunderstanding about words,

but when silence is not understood.”
~Henry David Thoreau

This beautiful dandelion print can be yours at etsy shop SylviaCPhotography

Calm storm

"There are some things you learn best in calm,

and some in storm"

~Willa Sibert Cather

Joseph Stella

Moment by moment

      “It's a journey. Peace is something you do

on a moment-by-moment basis.”

~ Sam Baez 

  Dandelion Line by Andy Goldsworthy

Storm King Art Center, Hudson Valley, New York 2000

Real relative

“At some point I believe one has to stop holding back

for fear of alienating some imaginary reader
 or real relative or friend,

 and come out with personal truth."
~ May Sarton

Courage

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dandelion Map

black + white = grey

Source

I know I hurt with silence and for that I am truly sorry.  I tried to explain, several times and all I ever got in return was take your time.  You said you understood, when really you didn't and there should have been conversations and curiousity, but there was none....and by conversations and curiousity, I mean with me, not with them.  Not blind leading blind, anger leading anger.  I sought help, why didn't you?  I assumed all was ok (assumed...ass...you..me...yes, I learned that lesson the hardest way) but you all have hurt with harsh actions and continue to do so even today.  I am not a robot...I have feelings and hurt more than most, I suspect.  I wish I wasn't so attuned to the subtleties floating in the air like dust particles that only adoptees can see, but I do.  I was born that way...something of which you will never, ever understand unless you try.  Why won't you try?

I reside in the gray and all you can see is the black and white.  All of our hearts are broken, but the diffference between us is that, even after all of this, I'm still willing to try.

Dammit...it's a Monday.