Lost and found. For me at least, this is a pretty accurate way of describing what it's like to be adopted. It's a continuous cycle, a lifelong process, jack/jill up the hill and down, sisyphus meet rock and repeat. Some days you storm the gates and some days it's all you can do to float timidly in the moat nowhere near the gates. By found, I don't necessarily mean reunion, as some don't even have that opportunity...what I mean is that some days you know yourself, have faith in yourself, come what may, you stand strong and then some days you are just lost, looking for clues, answers, signs, resolutions, forgiveness...anything to calm the inner conversations with self. Some get "a + b = c" of reunion and some get "a + b = wtf". As some of you may have surmised, I got wtf...I got unresolved. A disconnect, never to be solved, things that just dangle in the air like a precarious broken chandelier...it's there but the wires will never connect, it will never sparkle and shine...it's just a part of your story that you have to somehow learn to live with...somehow make peace with it. Even after all this time...I realize it's a lifelong process...adoption isn't a one-time event...you're never done. It's a living, breathing thing...changing constantly...one step forward, two steps back and so-on.
Thankfully, I have more found days than lost now, but the lost ones still sneak up on me...without warning. I could be minding my own business in a book store, wandering around in a sea of beautiful books and I'm inexplicably drawn to a certain book and BAM! SURPRISE!...it's about adoption and I am not even in the family section! Just like that...my mind dives deep into that dark ocean, even if only for a moment or two...I go there. Sometimes I can shrug it off easily and some days it sticks like glue and is hard to shake. Does this happen to anyone else? It makes me laugh mostly...like I am a magnet for all things adoption...the good and the bad. I'm sure the innocent bystanders think I am a bit odd...when I literally laugh out loud at the strange synchronicity of it all. It happens more often than not...these lightning rod days...where I just can't get away from it...some days where I just don't want to be adopted...even now as an adult.
I don't want my life to be just about adoption...I am so much more than that. You probably have noticed that my posts dive in and out of adoption...some days I want to talk about anything but. I have a creative soul and it's what led me here to blogging, to somehow make my mess my message, a springboard to finding me amidst the past and past of others. I started this blog because if only one person found it just starting out on their journey and thought "You too? I thought I was the only one" and found comfort here, then that makes my heart swell because when I was on my journey there was no such thing...no blogs, nowhere to turn for support and not many books on the subject of being adopted (Rest in peace pioneer and dear sweet soul BJ Lifton! The first book I ever found on adoption was her brilliant book Lost & Found and for the very first time I felt understood, represented and not alone). There were plenty of books on adopting a child, but very few on being adopted. Her book, now faded, yellowed and well-worn, was a beacon for me, a warm blanket on a young, cold journey. Her writings became a window into a world I never knew existed before, a world full of support and healing. I imagine there are many adoptees that feel this way about her books. So my little blog is my humble way of paying it forward.
In paying it forward though, I don't want to limit myself in posting only about adoption. I've spent a big chunk of my life feeling limited, putting limits on myself and I'm done with doing that. There's so much more to me (to all of us) than just adoption, so hopefully you'll keep wandering by and enjoying my posts adoption related or not...please say hello...I always wonder who's out there reading. Please know that no matter what I post here, it does seem to always have an adoption correlation if you squint at it just right, because it's who I am, it always will be. Of course, the funny thing is sometimes I'm just thinking about art, creativity and how to expand my creative world and what I love, what I think, what I'm striving for, what I'm wishing for, who I want to be...changing for the better...one thought...one spark...one idea....one blog post at a time.