I'm quite perplexed when adoptive parents say "help us understand what it's really like to be adopted; how can I help my child?" and then don't like what they hear, shut down and go on the attack. Is it fear or ignorance or both? I just don't get it. If you're going to adopt a child, pull your boots up, find your backbone and do the work, help your child do the work, find support (and I don't mean a "faux" cheery blog..that's not support, that's pandering to your intelligence and doing nothing but enabling your own rose-colored glasses).Listen to those who have walked the walk...we KNOW what we are talking about. Think about it, would we make up these stories for fun, some of them are downright horrible, but we tell them to anyone who will listen because we don't want to see them repeated. It's hard for us to tell our stories but we do, over and over in the hopes of making changes for the better. We can't stop adoption, but we can change how the world views adoption, how adoptive parents "parent" successfully and help young adoptees following in our footsteps navigate successfully. Adoption ain't pretty, but it can be navigated by parents who listen and adoptees can survive and thrive, but you both have do the work, there's no shortcut, there's no "maybe if we don't talk about it & just throw enough love on it, it will go away". It won't and by doing that you're adding more fuel to the fire and more hours to the therapy bill down the road.
There are some adoptive parents that listen, heed our wisdom and become pro-active in the well-being of their adopted child and that is an amazing thing...those are the courageous adoptive parents willing to get into the trenches with us. And then there are some that just shut down and refuse to listen, spouting off about how we are angry and pitiful and take on a "what do those angry adoptees know??" attitude.
What do we know??
We know it ALL. We know what works, what hurts and what doesn't...because we are living it...daily...relentlessly.
All you have to do is take a deep breath, set aside your pride for a minute for the sake of your child and LISTEN.
REALLY LISTEN.
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