Friday, December 16, 2011

Wishing, hoping and moving forward

Been on a small hiatus as of late.  Got a bit discouraged with that 5 you own madness and didn't like the negativity that blog brought up in me...just reading it, I could feel a cloud of bad energy swirling around me and my thoughts.  It wasn't a good feeling, made me angry, made me uncomfortable, made me want to turn inward, even here on my blog which is silly really.  The reason I started this blog was to empower myself, to be positive in an all too negative be light.  To maybe create a soft spot for all of us to land now and then...a place to "breathe and reboot". To remind myself that even though adoption sucks, I made it through, am making it through (for the most part) and was craving a creative outlet for all of my "adoptedness"....the good, the bad and the ugly.

My reunion is rocky...more like passive agressive jagged's silent now...almost non-existent...only "windows" through FB to lurk, although I'm sure since around my non-acknowledged birthday (ouch), I have been "blocked" from any recent musings..not unfriended, just "blocked".  "You can look but don't touch".  I've all but given up hoping.  We are too much alike and on the same token, too different.  I've never experienced such difficulty in communicating with anyone like this ever and it still throws me for a loop sometimes.  She thinks I am evil, so far from the actual truth of me.  It's inconceivable and I find myself shaking my head a lot at that notion...if you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you I wouldn't hurt a fly and would give you the shirt off of my back if you asked for it.  She wanted the Lifetime Movie reunion and instead got plain old skittish screwed up me, I wasn't prepared, our social worker freaked both of us out, caused unnecessary and false complications.  I took time (too much apparently, even though I kept being reassured by her "take all the time you need, we're here".  In reality, it was all a lie, what was really happening was bitterness and anger towards me behind the scenes fueled by my threatened and jealous birth sibling, like a mosquito in her ear...I had no idea this was going on until it was too late. Years too late.

I keep hoping that she will surprise me, come out of her fog, stand up and be strong, take responsibility...get support (I can't be her support, I can't carry her baggage and my own) and stop being so delusional about what she has and hasn't done, said and hasn't said. Be the the parent.  I've never been allowed to be the child in our reunion and it's unbelievably hard & frustrating.  Brick walls, head-in-sand type of moments...and I'm reaching a point where I just can't take it anymore and have to let go.   I haven't yet but unless something changes, it's on the horizon. I believe she has let me go as well..cut me out.  My b-sibling has made sure of it, needling and meddling in every way.  Hard to compete with that.  It's hard being so harshly and unfairly judged, constantly trying to prove your worth is exhausting and I can only do and take so much.  But I do know who I am now, where most of the bits and pieces of me come from, I'm still a mosaic and there are still jagged pieces to reconcile and smooth, but I am stronger today than I ever have been and I do still hope.  Hoping that she will see "me".  It's waning, but it's always there, underneath.  Maybe one day.....

But for now, my hope is to keep moving forward, with or without them, fall in love with myself and know that I am worthy of being loved and noone can tell me or make me feel otherwise.

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner!"

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