Repurposed and reimagined self

I've been thinking a lot lately about the relationship between one's own family, one's own sense of self and sense of style.  As some of you may know from previous posts, I decided that 2012 would be a Buy-Nothing-New year for me.  I've been scouring thrift shops and consignment shops the last few months, which is quite the challenge as you are limited to choices and you have to think "outside the box".  Don't get me wrong, I've always been a "thrifter".  I've been thrifting for years so that is not the new part...I have always loved a good thrifting adventure or wandering around an antique mall (heaven!), but I always skipped the clothes (eww...I mistakenly thought) and went straight for the housewares. I could make anything new again with a little elbow grease and a lot of paint.  For me, it is the thrill of the transformation, taking something well loved with a history, making it yours and giving it a new life (the irony...).

Which got me to thinking, why couldn't I do the same with my fashion sense (or lack thereof)?  This "nothing new" challenge has been a huge eye-opener for me in so many ways and has forced me to get very creative. It forces me to try on things I wouldn't normally try on.  It reminds me that fashion is supposed to be fun. Showing your inner self outwardly.  Love the process, love your self.

 

At some point in my life, fashion became my enemy.  I've never had major body issues growing up, I liked my size and my frame...I never really thought about it...now mind you, models in magazine were still at a healthy weight with curves compared to nowadays.  I'm not tiny and not huge...I had a curvy figure and at some point, the fashion industry just up and decided that curvy was out and stick thin was in and the world followed...so did my train of thought.  As a young adoptee, all I wanted to do was quietly fit in...I didn't want to stand out (for fear....), and certainly not outwardly by wearing anything other than what everyone else was wearing.   I had always felt like an oddball for being adopted and I just wanted to be like everybody else...to blend. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was to be adopted....which made no sense to me...lucky? I felt far from "lucky"...rather unlucky was closer to the truth.  I became a master chameleon.  I could morph myself and fit into almost any group, but always on the periphery, one foot in so many camps.  As I got older, all I wanted to do was to hide in my clothes, looking back it was pure metaphor for where I was emotionally as an adoptee struggling to make sense of it all and having no outlet or the knowledge to even realize what exactly I was going through.  I was struggling to figure out who I was and in turn, who family was and what family was and how I related to all of it. 

So, after years of reading fashion magazines and not having that familial knowledge, it seeped into my mentality...that somehow I thought I wasn't good enough or pretty enough.  I sensed I was different but not in a good way, curvy with the added perk of no real sense of self, no familial mirrors to study...to help validate who I was.  It quietly, slowly became an issue...not a major one, but an issue none the less.  I began to dread the mirror, the reflection I did not understand...who's eyes are these...whose hands are these...who, what, where, when, how and why?  I couldn't answer any of those questions. There was so much wonder and ambiguity in the mirror, it just became easier not to look and act as though I didn't care.  I began to dread shopping...hated the numbers, hated the clothes, hated the prices...hated.  I began to dislike myself and somewhere along the way I stopped loving myself...in a very simple but harsh I-don't-care-what-I-look-like kind of way...I woke up one day and realized, I had quietly given up on myself.  My self.

Fast forward to now as an adult and all that has completely changed...I have done a lot of work on getting to know myself underneath all of the muck (a total gut and work in progress), started loving myself full stop,  repurposing and reimagining myself from the floorboards (and roots) up, sought answers to all the questions.  I am still on that rollercoaster and it's rough at times, but I started to laugh again, enjoy life and be comfortable in my own skin.  It's been a long time coming and I think it is finally having that awareness of family (the good and bad), coming full circle, that has helped me break out of my shell.  Knowledge of my roots has given me such a strong sense of self that before I had always found to be so elusive.  I now know who I am and where I came from and ultimately, where I want to go and who I want to be.

That knowledge has afforded me freedom...to no longer care what others think and to validate myself.  To just be me and if I want to wear a crazy fun thrifted outfit that cost $4.99 and a trip (or two!) through the washing machine...that makes me smile and laugh, then so be it.

To that I say...Hello Self...it's so nice to finally meet you!

Dandelion art dress by the amazingly talented and creative Robin Barcus, to see more of her incredible work, please visit www.robinbarcus.com
Black dandelion dress by Miu Miu

Wo-Manifesto: a public declaration of principles, policies, or intentions

The hope of a new year...the renewed search of finding the key to life, the key to yourself, the key to your family...your heritage, the key that fits, the key that unlocks it all.  I love the fresh clean scent of a new year...like a crisp blank page in a sketch book just waiting to be filled.  It's a time to throw open the curtains and let the light in and chase out the dust bunnies and skeletons of the past. Clear out whatever is holding you back. A time to leap and have faith the net will appear. It's a chance to start again...to improve, reflect, move on, move past, move forward, to change your trajectory, to grow and bloom.  A time to ditch whatever isn't working and devise a new plan...your plan. As an adoptee, this idea is a very poignant one to me, as there was a time in my life when the "plan" wasn't my own...there have been times I was just running on "auto-pilot" and stuck in "adopted me" mode wherein I responded and acted the way I thought I "should" or how I thought everyone would "want" me to and in all honesty, there are still tiny moments when it seems like it's still not my own plan, but those moments are getting fewer and far between.  I'm shifting, changing, getting louder, getting bolder and taking the wheel.

I've been working like crazy clearing out physical clutter, emptying closets, cabinets, drawers and putting nothing back in that I don't absolutely love or isn't useful.  I've rearranged room functions to suit my needs....Hello tiny unused bedroom transformed into the most decadent, girly "walk-in closet" ever.  I only had one rule in decorating this new space and that was anything goes! (well, two rules actually...nothing new...I either had to already own it or it was thrifted).  Anything that made me smile went in there...it's turned out to be such a great space, I could live in that room alone...silly I know, but for me, it was a declaration to myself that I am worth it.  It's been a long road to Say.That.Out.Loud.  That I am worth it, worth the pampering, worth loving myself, worth surrounding myself with nothing but beautiful, authentic and purposeful things, people and thoughts. I have always had a knee-jerk reaction to putting everyone else first, even my demons & skeletons (who me, adopted?), so good riddance to all of that.  It's time..long overdue actually.  I've been living with piles (in so many ways) for the past few weeks...and it feels so good to sort, donate, toss, organize and make beautiful.

I've also been working on my Wo-manifesto for 2012...it's a work in progress of where I am, where I am going and where I want it to be..here's my list so far:

• 2012 Mantra: Cheap and cheerful...frugal and fabulous...happy and healthy

• Thrifted home, life and style - Buying nothing new; it has to be "new to me" (been doing this for a few months and it has really gotten me out of a creative thinking/fashion rut and has really opened my eyes to needs vs. wants)
• If I have to buy anything new, I will buy local.
• Planning ahead with food and eating "in" (which in turn makes me focus on healthier, cleaner eating)
• Movie nights! (I ditched cable awhile ago and loving it.  I don't miss it nor do I miss that crazy bill!)
• Read more (I  had forgotten how much I love falling into a book and not wanting it to end)
• Taking advantage of my public library (My public library is online, so all I have to do is click on what books & dvd's I would like to reserve and then receive an email when they're ready - the original Amazon and it's free!)
• Going shopping inside my home and getting crafty with what I already have (and with the recent purge, I have lots of long-lost-now-new-to-me "inventory" to play with)
• Create, create, create! And then create a little more...
• Ditch negative thinking...it's gotten me nowhere so far.  Time to switch gears and crank up the positivity.
• Resolving my past into my present, making peace, being hopeful and moving forward.
• Adoption reform - work on getting my original birth certificate...it's mine and I want it. Period.
• A little less snarky-ness (I admit, this one is going to be a struggle...sarcasm is my friend! ;)
• Love more, hate less (absolutely free and totally worth it!)

How about you? Do you have any new ideas/plans/resolutions/goals/Wo-Man-ifestos that you have conjured up for yourself, your life and your famil(ies) for 2012?

I would love to hear what you've got brewing...what keys are you searching/striving for this year?
xo,
Two

Dandelion key necklace by the amazingly talented Anika Smulovitz