Bound

"...like being bound in a straight jacket with a view..."

 

Untie your knots

"Close your mouth,
block off your senses,
blunt your sharpness,
untie your knots,
soften your glare,
settle your dust.
This is the primal identity.”

~ Laozi, Tao Te Ching: A Literal Translation with an Introduction, Notes, and Commentary

Return

Even if

less vs. ful(l)

“. . .where there is no more hope, song remains.”

~ Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

 

 

Photo by Juanedc from Zaragoza, España

Familiarity

 

“Someday, I would like to go home. The exact location of this place, I don't know, but someday I would like to go. There would be a pleasing feeling of familiarity and a sense of welcome in everything I saw. People would greet me warmly. They would remind me of the length of my absence and the thousands of miles I had travelled in those restless years, but mostly, they would tell me that I had been missed, and that things were better now I had returned. Autumn would come to this place of welcome, this place I would know to be home. Autumn would come and the air would grow cool, dry and magic, as it does that time of the year. At night, I would walk the streets but not feel lonely, for these are the streets of my home town. These are the streets that I had thought about while far away, and now I was back, and all was as it should be. The trees and the falling leaves would welcome me. I would look up at the moon, and remember seeing it in countries all over the world as I had restlessly journeyed for decades, never remembering it looking the same as when viewed from my hometown.”

 

~ Henry Rollins

Luck be a lady

I'm lucky I landed in a caring family.
I'm lucky they financially could afford me and other adopted children.
I'm lucky they actually wanted kids more than anything else.
I'm lucky they provided for me.
I'm lucky they were nice.
I'm lucky they understand now.
I'm lucky I now understand.
I'm lucky now I can appreciate.
I'm lucky now they appreciate my struggle.
I'm lucky to have broken through the fog.
I'm lucky to have a story and be able to tell it.
I'm lucky the story continues.
I'm lucky to have found my voice.
I'm luck to have found my tribe.
I'm lucky I got the "luck" of the draw.

I'm unlucky that I will never be able to know me true ancestry...some maybe, but never truly all of it.
I'm unlucky I will never be able to fully know my medical history.
I'm unlucky that it's not easy asking...feeling intrusive...like a beggar for any tiny scrap of information.
I'm unlucky to feel like an outsider.
I'm unlucky it's so damn hard.
I'm unlucky they don't understand.
I'm unlucky I don't understand.
I'm unlucky that I lose that voice sometimes...even now.
I'm unlucky I will most likely never be able to hold my original birth certificate in my own hands.
I'm unlucky that I have to beg for what is rightfully already mine.
I'm unlucky the state deems me less important than the people who created me.
I'm unlucky I have to mark a big red X on any medical questioniare.
I'm unlucky that big red X makes my eyes water in public.
I'm unlucky to get that head-tilt sad look from the doctor and nurses and hear that hushed "ohhh..."
I'm unlucky that even now it's hard to explain.
I'm unlucky there's a lump in my throat sometimes..still.
I'm unlucky tears get triggered at the smallest of things.

I'm unlucky to be told how lucky I am.

~Two

Don't let it take you that long

“Parents have such formidable power. They can protect you from all the pain in the world. Or inflict the hardest pain of all. And as children we accept what we get. Perhaps we believe that anything is better than that which we all fear the most. Loneliness. Abandonment. But once you accept that fact that you have always been alone, and will always be, then your perspective can begin to change. You can become aware of the small kindnesses, the little comforts. Be grateful for them. And with time you will understand that there is nothing to fear. And much to be grateful for. For me, the realization took a lifetime. Don't let it take you that long, Veronika.”

 

~Linda Olsson, Astrid and Veronika

 

 

Some days I'm not so sure

I don't normally like to post negatives because I truly do believe that negative energy begets negative energy and I'm trying to be positive, move forward in my beliefs, thoughts, wishes, etc and to not get bogged down in the inertia of everyone elses "stuff".  However, there are some days that are not so positive and wish-filled (as much I as I would like them to be, I do still live in the real world). I felt compelled to post this and really have hemmed and hawed about posting.  For the record, I am not anti-adoption...I believe it can be done well, open and honest, without any secrets and lies, without shame.  I believe it can be a beautiful thing, but it's a hard road, with ups and downs, loss and grief, happiness and sadness.  It's a hard road full of compromises for anyone to have to go down, no matter what side of the adoption fence you reside.  I have known and watched several open adoption families do so with grace, humility, love and complete openness and with that being said, they will also tell you how strong you have to be and how hard it truly can be.

My goal for this blog is to create a place of comfort for all of us to breathe & reboot, but in doing so, I have to remind myself that it is also a place of comfort for me...a place to get things off of my chest, for me to breathe and reboot, so here goes....The following is a post I wrote as a draft awhile ago and never posted...I went back and re-read it and it still gets me to my very core and I'm trying to wrap my head/heart around it...it still stings and I'm curious as to what you think about it all...

****************************************************************************************************************

Sometimes you can be minding your own business, turn the corner and BAM! Adoption smacks you in the face.  I was innocently following home decorating/design blog links and stumbled into a very beautiful blog.  I was enjoying reading the posts about design and family until.......RECORD SCRATCH.......I realized this was an adopted family blog...a few posts in and there it was...their adoption story wherein the blog author (adoptive mother) posted the following (see below in red) about how excited she was to finally be able to stand before a judge, finalize the adoption and legally CHANGE their names (NOTE:  these children were NOT infants by any means, so they KNEW their names and ANSWERED to them....at this point, they already had pretty strong identities!) and obtain illegal "amended" legal birth certificates with their "new" false names.

I felt like I was in a timewarp reading....that somehow I had just been transported back to the 1950s for a minute and it was in fact not 2013.  Why are we still there....still? This was written only a year ago and, lo & behold, times haven't changed at all.  Not one bit, it seems.  It was heartbreaking to read the entire post and see pics of the judge smiling smugly and posing with the family he just "created by law"...hello pomp, circumstance and illegal legal practices which apparently are still going strong today.  This is the same judge that will be playing God again when these children become adults and want their original birth certificates and he will deny them access to their own Original Birth Certificates (they do not live in an "open access" state).  My hope is that the adoptive mother was at the very least thoughtful enough to obtain their original birth certificates prior to legally changing them and the judge sealing them away forever.  One can only hope.

So yesterday our kiddos were named (old name) and (old name). Today they're (new name!) and (new name!).*

And officially, unquestionably, in the eyes of everyone, they're what we've known them to be all along -- ours.

*I've heard mixed thoughts about changing an adopted child's name. In our case, it was what we felt was right. Because of their stories, and because of some arguments made in Adopted for Life, it just made sense for us to give them new names. I understand there are good reasons for keeping kids' names, but this is just what we chose to do.

The "Adopted for Life" reference is apparently a hardcore Southern Baptist based book on adoption.  I can only imagine what the "arguments" were in that book.  I have not linked to the blog or the book because I do not want to drive traffic their way or cause any harm.  I don't want to engage as I do feel everyone is entitled to their opinions, to say what they want to say on their own blogs, everyone has a right to their stories and feel the way they feel.  I actually liked the blog and I'm sure she is a very lovely person, but because of my visceral reaction (my heart physically feeling kicked and that it leapt out of my chest toward those children), I felt strongly about posting about it here because I'm curious if anyone else in the adoption community has any thoughts on this...on changing names in this day and age...or is it just me?

Okay, stepping off soapbox now....
xo Two

Not the same

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back.

So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors.

And the people there see you differently, too.

Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”

~Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

 

 

Constellations

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."

~ Anaïs Nin

  Dandelion Sconce by the amazing artist Sally Bridge and can be yours here.

The one that sings

"There are, it seems, two muses: the Muse of Inspiration, who gives us inarticulate visions and desires, and the Muse of Realization, who returns again and again to say "It is yet more difficult than you thought." This is the muse of form. It may be then that form serves us best when it works as an obstruction, to baffle us and deflect our intended course. It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings."

 ~Wendell Berry

(Excerpt from "Poetry and Marriage" from the book Standing By Words by Wendell Berry)

 

Face the truth

"My life now consists of fragments where some are so blinding in their intensity that they make everything else indistinguishable. What shall I do with these glittering shards? There is no pattern; I can't make them fit. With each other, or with the whole that should be my life. It feels as if my existence was extinguished in a flash, and afterwards my universe became incomprehensible. Just shards and particles, which I carry with me wherever I go. They are sharp and they still hurt to touch. And they are so heavy. I know there is more - there are less intense fragments that I need to make it whole. I want to remember everything. But perhaps I need to give it more time. Allow myself some rest. Distance myself a little, to see if I can make out a pattern. And face the truth about what is really there.”
~ Linda Olsson, Astrid and Veronika

 

I highly recommend this book.  It is by far one of the most beautiful books I have ever read.  A sparkling gem truly...Linda's words and writing style haunt me in such a lovely way...a little treasure to keep close at hand.

 

I re-read this book at least once of year and always discover something new I hadn't seen or felt before.  When I finish reading this again, I will curl up with Linda's new (to me) book "The Memory of Love" (previously released as "The Kindness of Your Nature").  I glanced at the first few pages and I'm already enchanted.

 

Happy Friday friends,

xo Two

 

P.S. Part Two of Dr. Brene' Brown's Super Sunday Soul series with Oprah airs this Sunday!

Super Soul Sunday with Dr. Brene' Brown Part Deux

Did you watch Super Soul Sunday?  What did you think?

I can sum up my thoughts in one word, INSPIRING!

So much so, I watched both airings of the show (Eastern and Pacific standard times).

 

Image © Harpo, Inc 2013 | George Burns



Oprah and Brene' were on fire...at one point Oprah called them "soulmates". So many AHA moments!  It was right then and there that I realized I was watching Brene' catch a shooting star, with Oprah as her co-pilot.  I watched with pride and admiration as these two inspiring women created the best kind of magic.  They hit it off so well that one hour was not enough and Oprah asked her to tape another segment which will air next Sunday.  I can't wait!

 

For those of you who missed Part One and want to watch, you can catch the full episode online here.

 

You can watch a sneak peek at Part Two here which will air this Sunday on Super Soul Sunday.

 

Tune in for the second part of Oprah's interview with Dr. Brown on Sunday, March 24, at 11 a.m. ET/PT on OWN. You can also join the worldwide simulcast on Oprah.com, facebook.com/supersoulsunday and Facebook.com/owntv.

SuperSoulSunday with Dr. Brene' Brown

Sunday's the day!  Dr. Brene' Brown sits down with Oprah for her Super Soul Sunday series.  I have become completely addicted to this series!  It's the perfect way to start every Sunday.  If you don't have cable like me, it live streams on the internet (see below for info/links) which is what I'll be doing Sunday morning, along with a cup of tea and a cozy blanket.  I can't wait.  You can see a preview video clip here and read Brene's blog posts about it here & here. 

 

© Harpo, Inc 2013 | George Burns

 Looks like they hit if off so well that they filmed another segment. I love how Brene' talks about bringing only one outfit for the segment taping and didn't plan on a second one. Oprah proceeded to offer up her own clothes for Brene' to borrow.  WOW.  So excited for Brene', it is well-deserved.  I'm so happy these two superheroes have connected!
This truly is lightning striking in the best way possible.

 

Hope you'll join me on Sunday in watching...would love to hear your thoughts after the show.

Have a great weekend everyone!

xo Two

 

Watch Oprah's complete interview with Dr. Brené Brown on Sunday, March 17, at 11 a.m. ET/PT on OWN. You can also join worldwide simulcast on Oprah.com, Facebook.com/supersoulsunday and Facebook.com/owntv.